So yesterday I went all the way into the city for a "casting". That was an interesting day. And you know what's funny? The best part of the day was actually just being in the city. I very RARELY get to go. I passed the cable car to get onto Roosevelt Island and I saw that was open (which is pretty neat). I was able to go over where Radio City Music Hall is and I was in the NBC studio area (that's where the casting was). I mean, I really didn't DO anything. What I saw yesterday wasn't even like the AMAZING part of the city...but I still love going .

But yeah, on a different note, I've been thinking a lot. I have a bunch of things going on around here (especially in my head)when it comes to what that whole "casting" was about. I'm not going to say what the casting was for because i'm not going to embarass my self on here. Lately....I've just been feeling very "pulled", personality wise. I feel like when i'm with friends, they are pulling me in one way. When I'm with my dad, he's pulling me in another direction. But...Me...I want to go in a whole different direction than both of them. Just lately, i've felt like I don't really have the say in matters. Matters that involve ME.

For the longest time, I've wondered why I am never able to be my full self around others. I mean, I don't act 100% different. But it's not 100% me. When I interact with my friend's, my dad, family and just society, I act different, I adapt. From what I understand, a person who is constatly adapting to others around them has an "idenity crisis". Basically meaning they haven't found their TRUE self. But the thing is....I know who I am...I know who I want to be. It's just...the others who I care about seem to maybe want to persuade me to be something else and in a way I guess I don't want to let them down? I notice that I basically act 70% myself in front of friends, 95% around my dad, 98% around family and about 30% when i'm walking around and meeting new people outside. Now when I say I act 70% myself and all, I don't mean that 70 is me and the rest is fake. The other 30% is just me sitting, being quiet and observing. So technically I am being myself....but I'm not. Do you get what I mean? And from what I noticed, when I'm with more than one group of people (for example: my dad and friends at the same time), I'll adapt to the group that I am intimidated by the most (in the case of being around friends and my dad, i'm intimidated by my dad the most so he is the one I would change for). There has only been 3 people, in my life so far, that I am 100% around. And two of them are family, my mother and my grandmother. I never adapted around those people and probably never will. And the reason why I DON'T adapt is because of course I can be 100% myself...and I can do that BECAUSE they don't intimidate me, I'm not scared of them. They are just the people that I love, they love me and they don't judge me. They take me for me. Now when I look at it that way...what does that say about everyone else I know?